The lifts have closed, but the trails are still packed with snow and mud. And the sun, well, it’s trying … You hear your friends chitchat about the spring cleanses they’re embarking on.
“I feel so great when it’s OVER!”
“Drinking juice for 10 days straight isn’t really THAT bad.
“You kinda trip out when your body expels toxins. It’s a great ride!”
You groan at the thought of giving up your Kate’s bars for a whole week! But you decide to hop on the bandwagon anyway, since there’s nothing better to do and drinking just makes you sick the next day.
Well—you may feel great once it’s over, but I’m not sure your friends let you in on all the “spring cleanse” nuances. Just so you’re not surprised, here are six signs you’re on the right track.
1. You crave bacon. You thought the cravings would be no big deal, but the bacon your partner is frying just set up camp in your nasal passages. You continue sipping broth to fill the void–to no avail. You might even be a vegetarian and you’re still salivating over the greasy goodness! Well, I know many a vegetarian who started eating meat post cleanse. Don’t sweat it.
2. Your head feels like a volcano ready to explode! Headaches. No biggie, huh? Then you’ve never had a detox headache. The pain from this headache is enough to make anyone beg for the madness to stop—especially if you didn’t lay off the caffeine in your “pre-cleanse.” You’ll think, “What if I just pop a little Advil? Would that be breaking the cleanse?” This is the part that really gets me and I’ve stopped mid-stream, numerous times, due too debilitating headaches.
3. You’re extremely elated and love everyone. After the nasty headache subsides, you experience one of the benefits of detoxing. By Day 3, you feel like you’re on top of the world! Instead of avoiding acquaintances in the grocery store, you make it a point to stop and talk to them. You might even embrace them! Anything to tell them how great you feel now that you’re cleansing. But—be careful not to stock your schedule full of impromptu reconnections. In a day or two, you’ll be holed up on the couch.
4. You think you’re tripping on mushrooms. Next comes the real chore. Your body takes all those toxins (yes, all the glasses of vino you’ve drank and maybe even the recreational pastimes you enjoyed in college) and dumps them into your liver. Your body churns away, dispelling the waste, and leaving you–well–just plain HIGH. My advice is: stay home on Day 4 and ride out the wave.
5. The weeds in your sidewalk start looking pretty tasty. So you’ve expressed your devotional love to your peers, you took an unforgettable ride through Neverland, and you’ve battled the depths of a headache you thought you’d never come back from. Now—you’re just plain HUNGRY!
For five days your friends and family have been macking burgers, indulging on pizza, and socializing over a glass of beer, while you sit sipping your cayenne and lemon tea. Solid foods, maybe even spring weeds, call to you (after all, they’re green). Should you let them in? Eh, go for it! Picking dandelions will connect you to the earth and will help pass the time.
6. Pizza—followed by ice cream sprinkled with Kate’s bars—never tasted so good!
So you finished your cleanse, or maybe you fell off the wagon (I won’t tell). And now it’s time to EAT! Your friends warned you about diving into rich and enticing wheat and cheese-laden temptations, but you can’t resist. This is your first cleanse, right? And you miss those tasty luxuries; so you dive right in!
Your blood sugar starts to rise and, suddenly, you feel human again. You close out your bar tab and get into your car.
About half way home, it hits you like a brick wall. Or did you eat a brick? At this point you can’t tell. You pull over at the nearest gas station for some Tums and send yourself straight to bed when you get home. So much for the detox, huh?
Don’t beat yourself up. Next year, you’ll be more prepared.
***Disclaimer: Not all people experience detoxing in the same way. You may have none of, or a reversed order of, the symptoms discussed above.